Today, as I reread this article about John and Julie Gottman that ran in the New York Times last year, I reflected on how frequently I talk to couples about the concept of “turning toward.” The Gottmans have researched intimate relationships for decades and their work has provided us with data that is invaluable for anyone who wants to learn to be a better partner. One of my main take-aways from their work is that, when it comes to improving our love lives, very small, simple actions can have a huge impact. The idea of turning toward is a great example. When we feel stressed and tired, when we are annoyed with our partner, or when we have let anger and resentments build up, our natural inclinations are often to turn away, to ignore, to put up walls. Even when our partners reach out to us (or “turn towards” us), we may reject them, or even strike out at them. In our vulnerable state the negative actions we take are self-protective, make emotional sense, and often feel justified. The problem is that turning away from or rejecting our partners generally doesn’t make us feel better, and it certainly doesn’t make our partners feel better. Turning toward is a simple action but it can feel risky and counterintuitive when we are feeling hurt, angry, alone, unseen, and/or unlovable. By protecting ourselves we ensure that we will stay isolated. We deny ourselves the opportunity to feel comfort and connection. We avoid taking uncomfortable risks, and in doing so we guarantee that our relationship will not improve in that moment. We also deny our partners the chance to feel useful, to feel successful in the relationship. By being mindful of our feelings and our habitual reactions and pushing ourselves to take a chance on turning towards our partners, we give our relationships a chance to heal and develop in wonderful and surprising ways.